If you ever find yourself in a little bit of a bind, a good lawyer seems like your best bet. But if they really know their stuff, they can actually help you get off on the craziest things! We’re not advocating you to punishment, because most of these are horrific, but it’s fun to see these bizarre alibis that ended up genuinely working!
Are you a rich, white male? Congratulations! As though your privilege wasn’t already pretty strong, apparently your wealth can be used as an excuse that you “didn’t know the consequences of the law”, as in the case of Texan Ethan Crouch, arrested for driving offences. The term used by his lawyer was “affluenza”, a mix of influenza and affluence. WTF?!
That’s right! In the ultimate piece of victim blaming, apparently you can drive someone so crazy that they unconsciously kill you in their sleep. At least, that’s what Steven Steinberg reckoned happened when he murdered his wife in cold blood.
Jonathan Schmitz shot his male secret admirer and then blamed it on a “diminished capacity caused by shock and embarrassment” in 1995. Thankfully, this is now a banned defense, but once more, we’re left saying “what the…?”
Rape is a serious crime, but one Jan Luedecke reckons he just can’t help himself – in his sleep! The female survivor at the Canadian house party where the crime took place saw no justice in this case, unfortunately.
When Serena Kozakura was accused of trespassing and destruction, she argued her case logically, of course. How could it have been her in the crime scene when her breasts were too big to fit through the door? Despite witnesses claiming the exact opposite, she escaped punishment.
We’d be in serious trouble if half the population used this one – but it’s been used to defend murder in both the USA and the UK! “Anger caused by PMS” was the reason given by Jan Painter from Liverpool to escape the murder of her husband and by a Virginia woman who was DUI.
THE MATRIX DEFENSE
When Tonda Lynn Ansley murdered her landlord in broad daylight, she reckoned she didn’t even know it had happened. Since watching The Matrix in 1999, she genuinely believed she was living inside of it. A judge approved her insanity plea and she avoided doing jail time.
When a Malaysian man was arrested for drug trafficking, his twin swiftly showed up on the scene. The men couldn’t be told apart, even by DNA tests, so the judge let them both off, in case he sentenced an innocent man – to death!
If a car crashes and someone dies, you can just claim you weren’t driving, you were just giving them oral sex! This is the case of Heather Specyalski. Paramedics found her boyfriend Neil Esposito with his pants down at the crash and that was the basis for her legal defense. She was acquitted.
When a Muslim man with two wives under Islamic law risked losing his license for speeding, he was allowed to keep it – he needed to be able to commute between the two women, obviously.